Frozen pizza reviews are a dime a dozen on the internet. But Dave Portnoy, the founder of Barstool Sports and creator of the viral “One Bite, Everyone Knows The Rules” pizza review series, has built a massive following around his honest and often entertaining pizza commentary. And while much of his reviews have focused on freshly-made pizzeria pies, he’s also an opinionated judge of frozen pizzas (especially during times when dining out wasn’t an option).
Who is Dave Portnoy and Why Does His Opinion Matter?
Portnoy began his rise to pizza-review fame with a simple concept: “One Bite, Everyone Knows The Rules.” His approachable yet discerning rating system quickly became popular online and made him a trusted source for finding good pizza. So even if you don’t agree with all of his takes (like this person who ranked every slice from Ray’s No. 1 in NYC), you can probably trust that he knows what makes a good pie.
The bar graph above shows the most popular frozen pizza flavors ranked by consumer preference, based on a hypothetical scenario. Each bar represents a different pizza flavor, with preference scores out of 100 reflecting their popularity
Understanding Frozen Pizza
The story of frozen pizza begins in the 1950s — right around the time that convenience food started to take over America. The rest is history; today we view it as pantry staple capable of producing countless styles, toppings and crust options. When looking at them critically, there are several things you should evaluate:
Taste: How well does the sauce, cheese and toppings come together?
Crust Texture: Is it thin or thick? Crispy or doughy? A bad crust immediately knocks out any chance at being crowned best frozen pizza.
Quality and Distribution of Toppings: Are they spread evenly throughout? Are they high quality?
Price and Availability: The best frozen pizza should not only taste good but also offer great value and be easy to find.
More on the history of frozen pizza: Smithsonian Magazine – The History of Frozen Pizza
Dave Portnoy's Frozen Pizza Reviews: The Basics
Portnoy doesn’t only start his reviews with a score, but also picks apart the whole experience of eating it. He takes into consideration crust texture, flavor balance and how much it tastes like a real pizza. This helps to differentiate him from other frozen pizza reviewers.
The graph above compares average consumer ratings with Dave Portnoy’s ratings for the frozen pizza brands. Each pair of bars represents a different brand, with the left bar (in sky blue) showing the average consumer rating and the right bar (in orange) depicting Dave Portnoy’s rating
What Makes a Frozen Pizza Stand Out to Dave Portnoy?
His ratings suggest that he doesn’t really care for anything too gimmicky. And that the closer a frozen pizza can get to being an actual pizzeria pie, the better. Quality ingredients, the taste and texture of crust after it’s gone through the conventional oven process are all crucial factors – as was apparent by his cheese rankings.
How To Elevate Your Frozen Pizza Game: The Dave Portnoy Way
Frozen pizza. A true classic in the world of easy, convenient, and delicious meals. It’s always been go-to comfort food for when cooking is too much of a hassle. Among the experts that have given a voice to frozen pizza, one stands out. Dave Portnoy has dipped his toes in the world of reviews and shared insights on what makes an amazing pie. Here’s how you can dive into the world of Portnoy pizzas and some tips on how to cook it right.
How To Cook It Right
Preheat your oven
One of Dave Portnoy’s rules will get you closer to that perfect golden slice — properly preparing your oven. Preheating is very important because it helps cook the pie evenly. Most frozen pizzas recommend temperatures between 375°F to 425°F; following this step closely will save you from bad texture and taste.
Add Olive Oil
Don’t settle with just throwing it in there. Check the instructions for any tips on helping enhance the experience even more! One thing Dave often adds, is olive oil on the crust’s edges before baking — this will leave you with a much crispier and tastier meal.
Try Using A Pizza Stone
If you’ve been taking notes from us at all up until now, this shouldn’t come as a surprise… but using a pizza stone works magic and guarantees even more flavor! The problem with using other utensils like regular baking sheets is that they don’t distribute heat nearly as well; so if you’re looking to make pizzeria quality pies at home, definitely invest in one.
The chart above provides a nutritional comparison of top-rated frozen pizzas, based on imaginary ratings, specifically aimed at health-conscious readers. It compares the nutritional information (calories, fat content, sodium, protein) of three top-rated brands: “Blaze Crunch,” “Pepperoni Heaven,” and “Cheesy Delight.
User This next part will be about customizing your perfect pizza
DiGiorno, with the game-changing “rising crust,” is a frequent highlight among food critics. But many prefer Tombstone’s classic thin crust for its crunchier base. And Trader Joe’s earns high marks from consumers and critics alike for its quality and creativity, given its ever-rotating selection of unique gourmet flavors.
A link that connects all 50 states? The love for pizza.
Diversity in taste
There are plenty of ways to enjoy a frozen pizza, which means plenty of ways to ruin it as well. So how does one critic hail something as the pinnacle of frozen pizza when another finds it mediocre? Well it’s simple…everyone has their own opinion on what makes the best tasting slice of pie.
Embracing variety
With so many dietary restrictions out there such as gluten-free or vegan you would think there wouldn’t be much room for something that everyone can enjoy. But frozen pizzas make room! Making this type of food more than just an easy meal but instead an opportunity to bring everyone together at the table.
The Ultimate Guide to Choosing Your Next Frozen Pizza
Choosing a pizza flavor can feel like navigating a maze but here is a simplified guide by Dave Portnoy:
Consider the Crust: First step is deciding whether you’re in the mood for thin and crispy, deep-dish, or anything in between.
Top it Right: Ask yourself if you’re into meat lovers, veggie toppings or just straight cheese?
Read the Reviews: This one is obvious because who wants to waste money on something that doesn’t taste good?
Dietary & Budget Considerations: Check labels always! Especially if you have any allergies or dietary restrictions. And don’t forget to compare prices too!
FAQs about Dave Portnoy and Frozen Pizza
Q1. How often does Dave Portnoy review frozen pizzas?
Reviews come sporadically because they’re only done when he discovers new brands or revisits classics.
Q2. Can I suggest a frozen pizza for Dave Portnoy to review?
Yes you can! Fans can use social media platforms and Barstool Sports’ website to suggest frozen pizzas for Dave Portnoy to review.
Q3. What is a deal-breaker for Dave Portnoy?
A soggy crust and lackluster toppings. It’s that simple!
Q4. How do I recreate a Dave Portnoy pizza review at home?
Easy. Get yourself a clear palette, analyze the crust and toppings, then rate it from 0-10.
Wrapping Up!
Dave Portnoy’s pizza reviews have changed the way we look at frozen pizza. His honest feedback and simple rating system have elevated some brands and pushed others to be better. As you dive into this new world, just remember the joy is in the hunt. Whether you agree with his choices or find a hidden gem of your own, finding your perfect slice has now turned into an adventure! Try out different styles and toppings, share them with friends and family and most importantly, never stop searching for that perfect pie!
